


Home is Where You Drown

by minhyukkus



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, even tho it seems one sided, it's not rlly explicit or anything just kinda cute, post mx
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-04
Updated: 2018-03-04
Packaged: 2019-03-26 18:49:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13863801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minhyukkus/pseuds/minhyukkus
Summary: It happens like crushes usually do. Randomly and haphazardly.One second, Kihyun is thinking about the way Hyungwon’s lips are always a little parted and then the next second it hits him.“Oh no,” he whispers, fear tingling up his spine. “Oh no no no. This is bad.”





	Home is Where You Drown

This isn’t how it’s supposed to be, you know. Kihyun had a plan laid out. Of course he did. He’s systematic, he’s routine. He’s logical.

So he had a plan to confess to his bandmate. When it’s all over. When there’s no adrenaline rush of performances and too close fanservice. When it’s calm (But things are always calm when Hyungwon is there).

Except it’s not that easy, right? Not when _he’s_ there, so close with fleeting touches and cheshire grins. Kihyun pretends and he pretends so well, he’s confused himself.

And then Hyungwon laughs and Kihyun swears his heart just crumbles right there in the middle of a performance. He dreams of touches that go a little further in the car.

 

It happens like crushes usually do. Randomly and haphazardly.

One second, Kihyun is thinking about the way Hyungwon’s lips are always a little parted and then the next second it hits him.

“Oh _no_ ,” he whispers, fear tingling up his spine. “Oh no no no. This is _bad_.”

And it is bad because they’re band members and whatever touches, whatever feeling arise are surely just a matter of fanservice.

And then it isn’t because boy bands have expiration dates and sometimes that means friendships have expiration dates.

 

When the band breaks up, as they usually do, Hoseok, Jooheon, and Changkyun easily blend into composing. Hoseok had even released a solo album already. Kihyun bought the first copy (“Does it even count if it’s you?” Hoseok had sneered).  Minhyuk goes to school that’s just a few minutes by subway from his apartment. He studies business management, something about wanting to be CEO (He's joking. He has to be). Hyunwoo ventures into acting and hosting and the nation re-falls in love with him.

That’s where... that’s where Hyungwon should have gone.

Except when Kihyun wakes up the morning after the papers are signed (they decided to all sleep in the dorms one last time), Hyungwon is gone.

Hyunwoo says, “I don’t know, Ki.” But he won’t look him in the eye.

Hoseok sighs, but doesn’t judge the tears that fall. “He needs some time, you know? We all do.”

//

Time is an odd concept though because Kihyun spends the first year calling Hyungwon, pining for him. He gets the same voicemail for the first six months. He leaves small messages, pleas. And then he calls one day and the number is unavailable.

Kihyun releases a duet with Jooheon. Hoseok buys the first copy (“Does it even count if it’s you?” Jooheon jokes). Hyunwoo and Minhyuk send him wreaths (Minhyuk’s several feet larger than necessary. “Just so you remember you’re short.”). Kihyun didn’t cry, but Jooheon did. He just stared at his phone, hoping for a buzz.

It doesn’t take time to find yourself. It takes people and perhaps Kihyun isn't the _right_ person to help Hyungwon find himself. He finally puts his idol days behind him, figuratively and literally. The photo from their first win, he tucks it away in a drawer, under books and notebooks and stashes of papers. He files it away in the back of his mind, far away from the emotions of his heart.

Because, of course, Hyungwon isn’t coming back.

//

A few more months pass really quickly when you’re not thinking of one person.

If you stop thinking, stop remembering, then you’ll stop caring.

Right?

Kihyun moves on. It’s been exactly one year, five months, and fourteen days after all. He fills his days with routines that make things seem full and warm, like a home. Kihyun goes for a walk. It’s his Thursday routine: leave at 5:14PM, walk around the park three times, pretend you’re thinking of a song, return home. Kihyun is routines mixed with logic. It’s how he stays sane.

“Obrigado?”

Kihyun almost breaks his neck when he whips his head to look at the stranger. It’s him, there’s no doubt. Kihyun can make out the gangly body, the large, soft hands, the full lips. It’s Hyungwon. A little tanner perhaps and with longer hair, but it’s still _him_.  Kihyun flushes, turning away and biting down on his lower lip.

Hyungwon smiles. As if time hadn’t passed. As if he hadn’t left and taken Kihyun’s home with him. The smaller man stares, rendered speechless.

“You look good.”

Kihyun huffs, turning to face him. His eyes narrow into a prominent glare. “Thank you.”

Hyungwon blinks, stunned, as if he hadn’t expected a response at all. And then he laughs. Kihyun thought he forgot, about the warmth of his laugh and the sound of his own bursting heart. Something about the way Hyungwon’s laugh sounds is distinctly of home.

“You must get that a lot, huh?” Hyungwon finally asks, peering down. “Kihyun.”

There is nothing he can do. Hyungwon opens the door to home with Kihyun’s name and all the fight, all the stubborn, and pain, it drops as tears. Hyungwon looks alarmed, worried, but then he tugs Kihyun in his arms and god dammit, Hyungwon is still... home.

It’s home.

 

They walk back to Kihyun’s apartment in silence.

Hyungwon tried to apologize before. Back at the park when he held Kihyun. Before they started walking. He had taken Kihyun’s hand in his and apologized. Kihyun refutes him, ignores him. Later. Kihyun will listen to all of that later. Right now, he needs to be home again. 

_Please._

They have their first kiss, awkward and nervous on the elevator ride up. It’s every cliche that Kihyun knows, from the way Hyungwon cages in his body to the fumble of their lips and the hiccups of his heart. Kihyun leads Hyungwon to his apartment by the hand, fingers intertwining gently. He ignores the turning in his stomach when they step over the threshold.

“When did you move here, Ki?” Hyungwon asks, closing the door behind him. There’s a click of the automatic lock and their eyes connect.

“Just a few months,” Kihyun replies, flatly. He’s now... at a loss. His heart pounds against his chest to rest again at home. “How long have you been in the city?”

Hyungwon looks like he’s about to say something and then changes his mind. “Three days ago,” he admits. A pretty flush rises on his cheeks. As if he’s embarrassed. “I didn’t... I didn’t know how to find you. How to talk to you.”

“Huh.”

Hyungwon chews on his lower lip wrestling with language as he tries to convey what he wants. “Minhyuk helped.”

“Minhyuk.” There are a few emotions that wash over Kihyun. First was anger. “Minhyuk.” Next, was hurt. “You went to Minhyuk first.”

Hyungwon looks abashed. “He wouldn’t... Minhyuk wouldn’t tell me where you were unless I met him.” Kihyun seethes a little, but he understands. “I didn’t want you to see me like I was then.”

Kihyun inhales. “What?”

Hyungwon laughs, his back still against the door. “I came here in some sort of half crazed flight.” There’s unanswered questions about the past year and a half. Kihyun doesn’t probe.

“You didn’t plan this?” Absurd that someone would come all this way without a plan.

“Just dreams.”

Kihyun exhales. “That’s not practical.”

Hyungwon blinks, as if just realizing this as well. “I suppose it’s not.”

The room is tense as Kihyun tries to grasp the situation, earlier emotions falling around him. Hyungwon is home. Kihyun knows that, but of course, it doesn’t feel complete yet. The lights aren’t on.

“They used to tell me I didn’t dream enough, you know?” Hyungwon looks down, playing with the cuticles of his fingers. “Joining Monsta X was convenient. I got to dabble in a few things, but I never really... pushed it forward more.” He looks up into Kihyun’s confused eyes. “Jooheon and Changkyun dabbled and then drowned in music, you know? They’re synonymous with music. Hoseok, Minhyuk, Hyunwoo. They all touched new things, like me and then... They became it.” He laughs at how lamely he ends his sentence. “And you... Kihyun, singing, music, this is all you.” Hyungwon looks away again, at his hands,wiry and bony. They link and unlink as Hyungwon fishes for the right words. Odd because he is so good with language. “I dabbled and never drowned.” Hyungwon looks up, his hair covering his eyes, but not the lines and age below them. “I wanted to drown, Kihyun.”

He's changed.

Kihyun’s chest hurts at the way Hyungwon looks at him. And perhaps Kihyun didn’t deserve the ill feelings of abandonment, but Hyungwon didn’t deserve the feelings of mediocrity. Because, of course, Hyungwon is so much more.

“And did you?”

“A little,” Hyungwon admits hesitantly. “But I realized something else.” Kihyun raises a brow. “And that I needed Minhyuk’s help.”

Kihyun laughs. The first time for Hyungwon to hear and the taller male melts. “So Minhyuk sent you into a very large park to find me.”

Hyungwon grins and blinds Kihyun. “He said if you could reach, you’d probably punch me.”

“I can reach just fine.” Kihyun wants to prove it. He takes a step forward, marching in tune of over a year of anger and neglect.

Hyungwon swallows hard, Kihyun sees. “Ki--”

“--I’m allowed this.”

Hyungwon has nowhere to go, pressed to the door leading to his only exit. Kihyun stops just at his chest, soft hair tickling Hyungwon’s neck. The taller man readies himself, eyes screwed shut. And then... he feels small fingers curling into his shirt, tugging him forward until lips press to his own.

Hyungwon’s eyes fling open like every cliche said they would. Kihyun’s lips are a mix of persistence and desire. He kisses to make up for lost time and bottled up emotions. He kisses so Hyungwon knows.

It’s not the confession he planned long ago, but... it’ll do.

Hyungwon’s eyes gently close and he lets Kihyun dip his tongue past pliant lips. Kihyun’s fingers stay tangled in the shirt, keeping Hyungwon close, even when arms encircle his waist, even when Hyungwon pulls him in closer. Kihyun doesn’t let go.

When they part, the small space is filled with panting and shortened breaths. Kihyun prides himself in the little flush that paints a pretty picture across Hyungwon’s face.

“Oh.”

Kihyun smiles triumphantly.

And then Hyungwon kisses him, changing their positions and caging Kihyun against the door. This time, Hyungwon dips his tongue in Kihyun’s mouth and he _drowns_ at the taste and feelings that fill him. Hyungwon’s hands slide a little lower, to Kihyun’s thighs and soon he’s prodding the other’s legs apart, pulling them around his waist. It’s like he knows... like he knows what Kihyun needs and soon Hyungwon presses kisses to every surface on the other’s face he can manage.

“The bedroom,” KIhyun murmurs, pushing off the door to somewhat guide Hyungwon towards the bedroom. There’s something about the fumbling past the door, the soft giggles, that remind them both of first times and first loves. They keep bumping noses when they kiss, clashing teeth. Kihyun is impatient and Hyungwon fumbles to keep up.

Hyungwon sits down on the bed, Kihyun still atop him. He heaves his breaths as Kihyun plasters quick kisses on any bit of exposed skin. Kihyun feels Hyungwon beneath him. Really feels him.

“I have lube,” he blurts out, flushed.

Hyungwon laughs softly. “Oh, we’re fucking?”

Kihyun rolls his eyes. “Shut up.” He’s curved above Hyungwon, arms wrapped around his neck.

“Make me.”

They’re an embarrassing cliche. Kihyun kisses him again, lips tight and pressed like he wants to pull the very air out of Hyungwon. Fingers wrap into clothing, tugging things off, dropping them on the floor. Kihyun rips Hyungwon’s shirt.

“Ki...”

“That could be perceived as very sexy, you know.”

Hyungwon laughs. “Well, if you’re taking the lead then...” His arms find their home around Kihyun’s waist. “Undress me.”

Kihyun inhales. He pulls the tatters of Hyungwon’s shirt over his head, tugs at the pants to throw them behind him. They’ve only managed to take off Kihyun’s jacket.

“You can.”

Hyungwon pulls the sweater from Kihyun’s body. The flush on smaller man’s face matches the color on his chest. Hyungwon kisses him again.

“It’s okay, Ki.”

It’s okay, even if he’s drowning.

They leave each other with boxers on. Enough for false modesty. Hyungwon was always beautiful. He was long with pristine skin, tan and smooth. Kihyun averts his gaze, as if he’s not enough. Hyungwon laces their fingers together. Together. They fit just right. Not perfect, but as if they were made for each other.

“I want you,” Kihyun whispers. He needs to hear something else.

“I need you.”

Kihyun exhales. Then, he kisses Hyungwon first. Again.

There’s a dash of something forbidden. And Hyungwon asks it first.

“Can I touch you?”

Kihyun nods. Immediately. But Hyungwon doesn’t make a move until a few moments go by. Until Kihyun can hear the pounding of his own heart. It's like Hyungwon is waiting for Kihyun to say no. 

Hyungwon touches quietly and gently. Every kiss, an apology. Every touch, a plea for forgiveness. Hyungwon has always been good with words but now he focuses on speaking them through his actions.

Kihyun’s body flushes at the attention. Hyungwon’s kisses feel marvelous on the lips and then his lips press in other places and Kihyun stutters. Fingers grasp the sheets beneath him for a second, before Hyungwon guides his hands to his hair.

“Pull,” he instructs.

Kihyun trembles when he’s closer. Hyungwon wants him to come first. First first first. But it makes it so much easier for him to follow when Kihyun is red and panting. When Kihyun chants his name like the air he breathes and Hyungwon drowns in the cries of his own name.

Hyungwon stays above him, careful. It feels like home. There are no words, but when Hyungwon kisses him again, Kihyun pulls Hyungwon flush against him, sweat slicked body matched to another. Hyungwon’s body is cold against his, a welcome feeling from the heat of before. Kihyun presses his fingers on every bump of Hyungwon’s spine, memorizing him.

The taller notices. He rest his hands on either side of Kihyun’s face and guides it towards his own. Kihyun kisses back, soft and gentle, tempering down from before. When Hyungwon pulls away and smiles down, Kihyun’s heart flips.

Hyungwon stands and Kihyun panics.

“Tissues,” the younger says quietly. “Let me clean you up a little.”

Kihyun nods, body tired and heavy. “Thank you.”

Hyungwon cleans them in silence before curling against Kihyun, head resting on the other’s chest.

“Don’t think you’re off the hook,” Kihyun warns.

“What?”

“I’m still upset.”

Hyungwon smiles against Kihyun’s chest. “I’ll be here.”

//

He stays.

Kihyun inhales.

The morning sunlight makes Hyungwon glow. Kihyun drags his hand down his chest, over his ribs, the foundation of his home.

Hyungwon stirs just slightly. 

“Hi” Kihyun murmurs, quietly.

Hyungwon inhales. “Hi.” His voice is huskier and makes Kihyun’s body tremble.

It feel like, in the time away from each other, Kihyun’s love only grew. Hyungwon rests his cheek on Kihyun’s chest again feeling the rise and fall of every breath. Kihyun is soft, it’s so easy to fall in and... drown. Kihyun looks down at the way their legs tangle and presses a kiss to the top of Hyungwon’s forehead.

“I love you,” Hyungwon blurts. As if he’s wanted to say it for years.

Kihyun smiles. He finally says the three words he’s wanted and his heart is lighter. Hyungwon holds him tighter.

It feels like home.

They exhale.

**Author's Note:**

> kudos/comments are always appreciated!  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/minhyukkus)


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